Toothbrush depilation, or, as it is known to its practitioners, “toothbrush depilation”, is a vibrant and exciting competitive sport. Although it has been around for the last two hundred years or so, it only came to the public notice when Hammurabi’s daughter, Hammuribena, was viciously murdered in Babylon. The ensuing civil war has guaranteed toothbrush depilation’s place in the homes and hearts of Australia’s most-beloved families.
Perhaps surprisingly, the sport has remained relatively unchanged from its Babylonian days, notwithstanding the French revolutionaries’ attempts to “simplify” and “democratise” it. Two teams attempt to remove the bristles from between five and six toothbrushes. Judges award points based on the number of bristles removed, their angular displacement, and the size of the bribe. Many have called for toothbrush depilation to be played at the Olympics, but unfortunately they had the wrong number, and so their calls could not be connected.
In Australia, the sport has had something of a checkered history. Forced underground by Hughes, it later experienced an upsurge in popularity under Menzies and Howard. Its detractors claim that it constitutes cruel and unusual punishment; its pundits counter this by pointing out that the detractors are all wimps.
With growing numbers of young Australians choosing toothbrush depilation over other, perhaps more conventional sports, it looks set to sweep the world in the new millenium. A bright future of bristles, bribes, and bloody murders beckons!
